Christmas Gift

On Christmas morning, I received a “gift” of sorts that completed my five-year quest to give myself enough physical, economic, and psychological stability that I could devote myself primarily to writing. So, I want to make a personal statement here, as premise to my future writing in this blog.

I often feel compelled to write, and I am by far happiest when I am actively thinking and writing. I have a sense of metaphor as a way of being that I want to develop in this blog. I feel that this is what I'm here to do at this point in my life. To some extent, then, this blog is a self-indulgence—a development of my own ideas. But that's why I'm writing a blog and not scholarly articles. A blog allows for freer, more creative thinking, and the audience is more voluntary and not even necessary. I think actually, what I would most like would be to write this blog for an imaginary audience. Writing only for myself is not satisfying for some reason (I guess I need some reality check), but I really do not want to write to convince others of anything—I want to write because this is how I think most clearly, in writing.

When I have stopped writing for periods of time (as in the past year in which I did not add a post to this blog), it is because I have been troubled that some others have been interpreting my writings as having a particular political agenda. I do not intend my writings to have an agenda other than facilitating my own thinking. I get joy from writing at times, and almost always I get satisfaction from developing my ideas. Certainly my thoughts arise in part from personal experience, but also from much reading and thinking. I like to see how my personal experiences fit into larger philosophical and/or psychological contexts. I have certainly had unfortunate or unhappy experiences in my life, as everyone does. But I feel now that I have brought myself to a good place and that I am ready now to do what I have always wanted to do in this life—write, for myself. I carry forward no grudges or regrets; if I did, I would not be able to explore my deepest thoughts.

I have learned to take experiences other than what goes on in my own head pretty much impersonally—and I'm even careful about evaluating what goes on in my own head. As Jung said, some dreams are from the personal unconscious and don't give us much of value in the long run; other dreams are from the collective unconscious and can indeed give us much of value, with some thought and work. I think the same distinction can be made about thoughts and feelings. As for external experiences, what happens to me socially is just not that important to me anymore. I have stepped back from my career for that reason; I no longer feel competitive. I no longer measure myself against others, except in some occasions that I try hard to avoid.

I am an older person; I've done my duty to society and now feel I have the right to “drop out.” (The “gift” I received on Christmas morning was my first Social Security deposit. The feeling that came along with it was something like, “Thank you for your previous contributions to our society. Now do what you want to do with the rest of your life!” And that's exactly what I intend to do with this financial support.) My experiences have provided fertile ground for thought, and I want to develop some of those thoughts here. I'm much more of a mystic, a contemplator than a social person. I am also a Jungian, in his sense of the main goal of the latter years of life being individuation.

I now have the means and the grounds to write. I will do so. I do not do so to criticize but to reflect. Seeking metaphor is like seeking internal unity—my ultimate goal.